I have had a difficult beginning of the year but I expected this going into the year. I knew the first four months would require some discipline, sacrifice and I prepared myself by reminding myself of my goals and writing everything down. But pheww! It’s one thing to go throught that which you’ve planned for, its another to experience that and the hurdles as well as the unexpected along the way. I was meant to be coming up for air in May but it’s been the worst of the five months.
This year has knocked me off of my feet and its starting to feel like I’ve always had a difficult life and it won’t get better. I call it the “Woe-is-me phase.” It feels like everything is working against me. I go through this every year for a week or two and then the cloud lifts. This time, it feels like the cloud has been sitting on my chest for five months. The interesting thing about this phase is that I become 95% desensitized. Very few things move me. But that 5% is extrrraaa sensitive and even I don’t know what the trigger is. When I do feel, I feel it on my entire body.
Financially, I have been bleeding every month. There’s always something I have to take care of, there’s always something unexpected. The inflation, the war, the pandemic and its supply chain issues.
I’ve gained weight. I have been looking at my body and wondering how I got to this place and why me. I don’t eat more than the next person (I do) & I’m always on some weightloss diet or workout plan. So why have I gained weight. Argh. I am always looking at pictures where I was less fat and wondering why I wasn’t happy then either. Maybe it’s not the weight, maybe it’s me I am unhappy with. But just this thought makes me unbelievably sad. I am almost 30 and I still havent learnt to be happy with me — yikes! I guess it’s back to keto — absolutely not!
I have had to remind myself daily that I am loved and that I love myself. On someday’s I ask myself “By whom?” Sometimes, many times, I will come up empty when that questions pops into my mind. I know that’s not true but my mind will wonder. Weird stuff goes on in my mind. I always have to remind myself that feelings and emotions are not always true.
There have been some highs and I am holding on to these with everything I have. I have so much to be grateful for. My visa to visit my sister and her family was approved. I am off to graduate school soon — my dreams are coming true. I got to travel with my youngest brother recently and he is off to college soon. I have prayed for all of these things.
I’ve also been in denial about just how sad I am. Admitting that to myself has been a rollercoaster. Even with all these upsetting things that have happened, I haven’t really allowed myself to be sad. It makes no sense. Even when I am alone, I won’t allow myself to be sad. I am always moving on to the next thing. I have experienced so much loss this year. I have been crying over someone every single month. Even with beloved friends passing on, I have not allowed myself to be sad. I am so heartbroken. Another friend passed on today. I don’t allow myself to be sad because I see sadness as a whirlpool that will draw me in and never allow me to leave.
If it’s not power cuts, its water cuts, currency devaluation or something else. The internet acts up all the time and things that should take two minutes to resolve can take days. I’m dealing with police and insurance after my car was in an accident. It is the most draining process to ever exist. It is as though it was built to frustrate.
I have to remind myself continuously that it will get better, it has always gotten better. I use every single cliche to do so because what is the point if there’s no hope for a better tomorrow.
The sun will rise again
Better days are coming
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own Matt 6:34
Okungapheliyo kuyahlola
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; Phil 4:6
June/July will be better, it has to be. I can’t wait to look back with gratitude when this period is finally over.
